8 Quiet Ways to Dismantle the Patriarchy

For my daughter, and for every woman who's ever been told to be less.

From the beginning, women have lived under systems designed to control, contain, or ignore them. Sometimes those systems are subtle, a glance, a dismissive tone, a door that stays closed no matter how politely we knock.

Other times, they are unmistakable: in courtrooms, in boardrooms, in hospitals, and our own homes. They show up in laws that limit us, salaries that undervalue us, headlines that erase us, and expectations that shrink us. These systems shape how we’re perceived, how we’re treated as we age, and how freely we’re allowed to speak or lead.

This system has a name: the patriarchy. It’s a word that can feel loaded, dramatic, even academic. But the truth is, if you’re a woman, especially a woman in midlife, you’ve already felt its weight whether or not you’ve called it by name.

And here’s the thing: we don’t have to keep carrying it. In this article, I want to explore what it actually looks like for women to dismantle the patriarchy. Not in theory, not as a hashtag, but in the real day-to-day decisions we make. From how we earn and speak, to how we raise our daughters and hold our ground.

Not every woman will do this the same way. But all of us, in our own ways, have the power to start removing the bricks.

1. We Have To Reject the Roles We Were Assigned

The “good girl.” The martyr. The pleasing, soft-spoken woman who never makes anyone uncomfortable. We were raised to perform these roles, at home, at work, and even in our own relationships. But those roles were designed to keep us small, quiet, and contained.

Dismantling the patriarchy begins when we stop performing and start living. That might mean speaking up in a meeting without waiting for an invitation. It might mean not answering every call, every favor, every emotional need someone throws your way. It might mean letting someone be disappointed in you and realizing you’ll survive it.

Start small. Say no without justifying. Let your voice be heard even when it shakes. Practice taking up space with your full, honest self.

2. We Have To Provide For Ourselves

Money is power. Always has been. Women who earn, save, invest, and own property are harder to control, and the system knows it. That’s why so many cultures have fought to keep women financially dependent for centuries.

Dismantling the patriarchy means having your own bank account, even if you’re married. Learn the basics of personal finance: budgeting, investing, and retirement. Charge what your time, labor, and expertise are worth. Support women-owned businesses when you can.

Even if you aren’t the primary earner, having economic autonomy gives you options. And options mean freedom.

3. We Demand Better Systems, Not Just Better Manners

It’s not enough to ask men to “be nicer” or “help out more.” We need structural change in healthcare, law, education, and the workplace.

Start where you are. Speak up when policies at work disadvantage parents, caregivers, or women who are trying to lead. This includes women in supervisory or executive roles who are often held to a different standard than men.

They may be called 'bossy' for being direct, passed over for promotions after having children, or excluded from informal decision-making circles where real influence happens.

Share your experiences with medical neglect or mistreatment; these aren’t just personal problems, they’re part of a pattern. I wrote more about this in Why Is Hormone Therapy Treated Like a Dirty Word?, where I unpack the silence and shame surrounding women's health. Vote for candidates who protect bodily autonomy and value caregiving.

Change doesn’t come from hoping. It comes from speaking plainly and insisting on better treatment, better policies, and better outcomes for women, not just symbolic gestures or empty promises.

4. We Refuse to Be Silenced

Whether it’s on a blog, in a boardroom, or across the dinner table, speaking the truth is a radical act. Especially when that truth makes others uncomfortable.

The patriarchy thrives on women staying quiet, about abuse, about mistreatment, about what they really want. Speak up anyway. Start writing, even if no one’s reading yet. Tell your story to people you trust. Practice saying, “That’s not acceptable,” when someone crosses a line.

You’re not here to keep the peace by erasing yourself. Say what needs to be said. I talked more about this in Confessions from the Other Side of 50, where I share how aging gave me the nerve to finally speak plainly.

5. We Stop Policing Other Women

One of the cruelest tricks of patriarchy is turning women against each other. When we shame each other for aging, ambition, appearance, or parenting choices, we’re enforcing rules we didn’t write.

Real solidarity means refusing to gossip or judge based on outdated gender scripts. Support women’s choices, even if they don’t look like yours. Uplift instead of undermine.

Instead of saying, “I’d never do that,” ask yourself, “Why do I feel the need to judge her?” We can disagree without destroying each other.

6. We Take Up Space, Loudly or Quietly, But On Our Terms

You don’t have to be loud to be powerful. But you do have to stop shrinking. Taking up space means letting your opinions be heard, even if they’re unpopular. It means dressing for yourself, not for approval. Choosing ambition, comfort, or rest without guilt or apology.

Practice being visible. Let people get used to the fact that you’re not fading into the background.

7. We Raise Sons Who Don’t Need to Unlearn Everything Later

Patriarchy won’t fall unless we stop raising boys to believe they are its rightful heirs. That work starts at home.

Teach consent, emotional responsibility, and how to hear “no.” Share household tasks without gender bias, dishes, laundry, and caregiving. Call out sexist language, even when it’s a joke. Model respect in the relationships they see.

Sons don’t just need love. They need to understand that women are not supporting characters in their story.

8. We Build New Things

If the old systems weren’t made for us, we create our own. New businesses, blogs, communities, clinics, schools. Spaces where truth matters more than performance.

Places where aging, emotion, and ambition are not treated like problems to be fixed. This blog, Uncooked Truths, is one of those spaces. Built not to impress, but to tell it like it is.

You don’t need a platform. You need a place where your voice isn’t muffled. Build it. And if you need inspiration, read When Your Body Says ‘No Thanks’ to Exercise, where I talk about choosing health on my own terms.

The Quiet Rebellion of Refusal

You don’t have to fight with your fists. Sometimes, dismantling the patriarchy looks like this: not laughing at the sexist joke. Not doing the emotional labor. Not playing dumb to make someone else feel smart. Not accepting less than what you’re worth.

These are acts of refusal. And refusal is a form of power.

Final Words

You don’t have to be perfect, fearless, or loud to make a difference. You just have to be done accepting a system that was never made for you. This isn’t about hating men. It’s about loving yourself and other women enough to stop pretending the system isn’t broken.

We dismantle the patriarchy brick by brick. With every decision, every truth, every boundary, and every time we say, "Not anymore."

What role have you been expected to play — and which one are you ready to step out of? Share your thoughts in the comments or send me a message. I’d love to hear what this stirred in you.

More readings to do

• Is This Normal?” And Other Midlife Body Mysteries
• The Guilt of Getting Better on GLP‑1s
• Welcome to Uncooked Truths
• Food Noise or Hunger? How to Tell the Difference